What’s Wrong With Me?

When closeness and pain come from the same hands for years, the psyche stitches them into one knot: arousal and fear begin to switch on together. A fantasy in which the tormentor is rough but finally “takes” him is the psyche’s attempt to replay the trauma — to turn what is being done to you into something happening for you, by your script.

Such fantasies are far more common among survivors of violence than anyone admits, and they burn with shame. What matters to know: a fantasy is not a wish for real violence and not proof of being “broken”. It is a symptom — the language in which trauma tells its story. Nothing is wrong with Simon; something was deeply wrong with what was done to him.