Not to Be. At All.

Notice how this thought arrives: not as hysteria — quietly and routinely, “as if it had been standing behind the door for a long time”. This is how it happens in real life: an exhausted psyche offers “not to be” as the solution to a problem it can no longer solve any other way. The calm around this thought is not strength — it is the most alarming sign of all: it means the resistance has run out.

What holds Simon is a single thread — one unfinished thing. A thread like that can be enough to survive a night, but no one should be left alone with it. If you recognize yourself in these paragraphs: this is not weakness, and it is not “not serious”. It is a state — one that passes when help arrives, and help exists.